tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC October 8, 2011 12:00am-12:59am EDT
>> man with passion in his heart. thank you for watching abc news. we hope you'll tune into "good morning america." have a terrific weekend, america. >> dicky: tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: are you prepared to become the second fastest man in the world? >> that's not going to happen. >> dicky: mark wahlberg. >> you can do whatever the [ bleep ] you want. >> dicky: seth macfarlane. >> jimmy: deep inside you -- >> where is this going? >> jimmy: i believe you want to be --
>> caller: hi, i'm. >> jimmy:>> jimmy: with a message from cars.com where you can shop confidently with a wide selection of new vehicles, along with tools to make sure you get the right car at the right price. my friend guillermo here, we were talking earlier, but -- where is he? you know this is so -- >> jimmy, i'm here! >> jimmy: guillermo, why are you out there? what are you doing? >> i'm making weiners. >> jimmy: oh. why? >> me and my amigos are tailgating, getting red did for our favorite show, "jimmy kimmel live." >> here we go, jimmy, here we go. >> jimmy: that's very nice, guillermo, but the show is about to start.
>> but what about my weiners? >> jimmy: maybe you can make them and tailgate at a college football game where people do that. cars.com is planning to visit some college games over the next few weeks. you can go to those. >> oh, okay. i'm coming in right now. you want a weiner? >> jimmy: yes, i want a weiner. he asks the dumbs questions sometimes. >> dicky: visit cars.com for a list of the best tailgating vehicles. confidence comes standard. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with mark wahlberg and "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with mark wahlberg and seth macfarlane. our cheese. what are you doing? studying. studying? quantum physics. that's not mine?! i don't know where that came from! aw, do you ha... is that a check? that's not a good check is it? what do you think? it's a bad check. [ male announcer ] we take the time for our cheese to mature before we bake it into every delicious cracker because at cheez-it, real cheese matters.
oh. my. [ hank ] what now? the neighbors. their cottonelle roll is not being respected! [ female announcer ] respect the roll that respects you. looks good to me. [ female announcer ] new cottonelle clean care toilet paper. our neighbors putting their lives on the line. and when they rely on a battery, there are firefighters everywhere who trust duracell. so, look for these special packs to see how you can help your local volunteers. duracell. trusted everywhere. [ cellphone rings ] cut! [ monica ] i have a small part in a big movie. i thought we'd be on location for 3 days, it's been 3 weeks. so, i used my citi simplicity card to pick up a few things. and i don't have to worry about a late fee. which is good... no! bigger! bigger! [ monica ] ...because i don't think we're going anywhere for a while. [ male announcer ] write your story with the new citi simplicity card. no late fees. no penalty rate. no worries. get started at citisimplicity.com.
and 8-foot robots rule the ring, the last thing you want to be is late. audiences and critics agree. not those critics, these critics, the ones you know, the ones you trust: your friends from facebook. when decisions must be made, there's one search engine that must be used: bing. now showing on computers and mobile devices everywhere. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- mark wahlberg. jimmy's ridiculous challenge. and seth macfarlane. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, in all probability, here's jimmy kimmel!
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. thank you, cleto. hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming out and -- thank you for being here instead of volunteering in your communities. i appreciate it. i don't want to bring everyone down but i read something disturbing today. apparently there's a group of politicians, congressmen, who want to shut down production of the dollar bill and replace it with a dollar coin. they believe that phasing out the paper bill would save hundreds of millions of dollars a year because the dollar coins apparently last longer. but nothing against the dollar coin, i'm sure sacagawea was a very nice indian, but i hate this idea. the dollar should be a bill.
we need the dollar bill. without the dollar bill, school children will never know the joy of folding george washington into the shape of a sail boat, for instance. [ laughter ] could i get some music here, maybe something patriotic? if we shut down production of the dollar bill, well, we might as well shut down the production of rap music videos, too. because you can't make it rain with coins. [ applause ] people will get hurt. without the dollar bill, strippers will be forced to wear fanny packs to work. [ laughter ] you can't fill a thong with coins. it won't hold up. i know, i've tried. i won't. use your heads, people. when the american public says we need to make more money, this is not what we mean. and by the way, if i'm in congress, i wouldn't go out of my way to put anything that's metal and throwable in the hands of the american public right now. [ laughter ] there are other things to worry about. leave the dollar bill alone. if you're going to get rid of anything, get rid of the penny.
they're filthy. [ laughter ] if it isn't worth bending over to pick up, it isn't worth making. and if you want a dollar coin, it's very simple. you get four quarters, you chew three pieces of gum and you squeeze them all together like a little money club sandwich. that's what jesus did. and if it was good enough for jesus, it's good enough for you. thank you. and god bless america. [ cheers and applause ] good night, everyone. good night. thank you. hey, you know -- i'm right, right guillermo? >> yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: thank you. he wasn't listening at all. you know who would be upset about this dollar thing? andy rooney. on sunday, andy rooney will make what they're calling his final regular appearance on "60 minutes." he's 92 years old. he said he's retiring so he can spend more time with his family and his family announced they're going back to work to spend less time with andy. [ laughter ]
you know when andy rooney was born, he was already 64 years old. that's true. [ laughter ] most of the correspondents on "60 minutes" are old. and at 92, that ticking clock must be extremely unsettling. apparently "60 minutes" is looking for fresh blood to replace andy. right now, they are looking at a young up and comer named regis. who i think has a -- [ laughter ] i don't know if i buy this retirement story, though. i hear and i don't want to spread rumors, but i hear he's checking into rehab for melba toast addiction. [ laughter ] i'm going to miss andy rooney. he's the closest thing we have to a real life oscar the grouch. he even lives in a garbage pail. i don't know if you're aware of this. andy rooney is one of a kind. so, we went out on the street to give his fans here in los angeles a chance to congratulate him on 33 incredible years with "60 minutes." andy, this is for you. >> well, he's been great. i watch andy rooney almost from day one. and i wish him good luck and
wish him well. >> best of luck? i hope to see him back on tv? >> i always liked, you know, his -- you ever wanted to know why the shoe strings, you got to put them like this to put them in the hole. >> andy -- great job. takes a lot to be there for 30 years. >> well, andy rooney is a newsman and he's a friend of mine. and -- andy's old, y'all. old people. and -- and so that's it. >> jimmy: yeah. well, it's -- that was beautiful, wasn't it? [ applause ] it really hits you, you know, in the throat. that's where it gets you. i hate to say it, but andy rooney isn't the only tv legend we say good-bye to this week. we received tragic news this morning.
from a zoo in germy, are our friend heidi, the cross-eyed possum, that was heidi, has passed away. i think, i'm not sure how you know a possum is dead. heidi was on our show earlier this year predicting the winners of the academy awards. she did well. she got best actor and actress winners right. besides that, heidi was one of the kindest, gentlest cross-eyed german possums i've ever known. our original plan was to give her a huge sendoff. fighter jets were going to fly over the theater and said fireworks into the sky but it turned out that was very, very expensive, so, instead, while we had the camera out for andy rooney, we got people on the street to say good-bye to heidi, too. >> i'm sorry to hear that. that's too bad. heidi was -- i think she probably had a long and fruitful, maybe productive life. >> oh, i feel worse about that than i do andy rooney. aw. >> ever notice how cross eyed
possums are just looking at you but they don't seem like they do? >> ah -- rest in peace. >> you see these whiskers? >> yep. >> and that nose? >> yep. >> and that mind? yep. >> well, thas heidi. >> anything you want to say to her up in heaven? >> hi, heidi. >> jimmy: again, a really beautiful thing. farewell. your googly eyes shall be missed. and we'll miss andy rooney, too. i'm not sure who we'll miss more. i asked around today and because we couldn't make a decision as to who we should honor tonight with a video, we decided to honor both heidi and andy rooney. one of them is a cross-eyed possum, i'm not sure which. simultaneously with this fond look back at two television titans. >> tonight, andy's got just what the doctor ordered. >> umbrellas are sort of fun.
a good feeling to think they're keeping you dry. >> heidi, the cross-eyed possum becomes germany's newest star. >> when i go to a good restaurant here in new york, i often slip a roll into my pocket as i'm leaving for breakfast the next morning. >> thousands of fans are already following the animal's facebook page. >> andy rooney. you're a vicious, malignant dwarf. >> heidi's crossed eyes could be the result of a poor diet when she was young. >> this is a one-pound loaf i've unwrapped. they call it fresh. i call it mushy. >> the possum has grown popular on facebook. >> elastic bands are one of the greatest times of modern times. >> she will soon star as a soft toy. >> i often fall asleep right here at this desk. >> they rely heavily on their senses of smell. >> i don't really understand anything. [ applause ] >> jimmy: crazy guy and the crazy eyes.
they will both be missed. tonight on the fox network, a new episode of the show "the x factor." this week marks the end of the audition portion of the show and next week, they start the somebody wins and we forget about them immediately phase. a lot of people are complaining that the show is identical to "american idol," but i think the format of "the x factor" is a complete 360 from "american idol." "american idol" is here. but then "the x factor" is here. like apples and other apples. there are just too many of these kinds of shows on tv. i feel like we need a reality competition show to weed out the reality competition shows. in fact, i'm pitching -- [ applause ] i'll share this with you. i'm pitching an idea to abc right now about a show where there are actors who talk to each other. i think it's going to be big. meanwhile in the other big reality competition show, the republican candidates for president continue to battle it
out. they have a new front-runner just about every week. first it was mitt romney, then rick perry and earlier this week, herman cain won the straw poll in florida. he's the pizza guy. and all this -- this isn't necessarily a good sign. and because of that, many republicans have been asking new jersey governor chris christie to enter the race. last night at the ronald reagan library, some of them begged him to enter, but chris christie, as you'll see here, is almost impossible to budge. literally. >> turned into a full-blown recruitment session. >> my italian mother, she told me to tell you that you have to run for president. >> no. >> are you reconsidering or are you standing firm? >> please, please, stop asking me to be leader of the free world. >> yes, ma'am? >> if you run for president, i will give you this bucket of chicken. extra crispy. >> oh.
okay. >> really? i love you, chris christie! >> thank you. >> jimmy: extra crispy is what he is. [ applause ] and one more thing. you know, there are two ways to live your life. you can go to work or school every day and do what you have to do and go home and sit there or you can seize life by its throat and choke it until it dies. that is what i do. and tonight, i have issued a challenge to the fastest man in the world, olympic gold medalist usain bolt. i've challenged him to a foot race to determine once and for all to determine who is the real fastest man in the world. now it is time for jimmy's ridiculous challenge. [ applause ] let's go outside to our theater onto hollywood boulevard. usain, are you out there? did you scamper off in fear? >> i'm right here, ready.
>> jimmy: are you ready to take on jimmy's ridiculous challenge? >> yeah, let's go. >> jimmy: all right, let's do this then. i'm going outside now. let's go, guillermo. all right. you got my shoes? >> yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: did he seem nervous to you? >> yeah, very nervous. >> jimmy: he did. i thought that, too. who are you rooting for? >> for you. i'm on your team. >> jimmy: thank you. i appreciate that. >> i think you're going to win. >> jimmy: you think so? >> yeah. >> jimmy: hi, everyone. how you doing? superman, what's happening? usain, nice to meet you. >> pleasure. >> jimmy: are you prepared to become the second fastest man in the world? >> that's not going to happen. >> jimmy: that's not going to happen? all right, let me change my shoes here. our referee here tonight is the my cousin sal. >> hey, everyone. >> no cheating. no cheating. >> no, of course not this is on the level. >> jimmy: explain the rules. >> i still have you as a 3 to 1 underdog. >> jimmy: you do? >> yes, i do. well, he's one of the fastest
guys in hollywood. >> jimmy: yeah. >> here's what's going to happen. you are going to run hollywood boulevard in a 40-yard dash. sounds simple, right? >> jimmy: can you finish 40 yards? >> easy. >> the only difference, usain, this may interest you. you will be carrying this giant wedding cake. here it comes. >> what? >> jimmy: yes. >> oh, come on. >> if any of it ends up on the track, you lose the race. >> jimmy: you have to carry a wedding cake. >> this will be a piece of cake. >> jimmy: oh, it will? it doesn't look that sturdy to me. this is why it's called a ridiculous challenge. >> you ready to race? >> i'm ready. >> all right, elmo, give me your gun. >> jimmy: why does elmo have a gun? >> that's how he rolls. >> gentlemen! take your marks. get set. go! >> jimmy: oh!
oh! oh my goodness. congratulations to the bride and groom. oh, wow. >> jimmy is the winner! fastest man in the world! >> jimmy: can we see instant replay? wow, usain. i'm really surprised at how slow you run. good thing they don't run the olympics with a cake. >> i'm just saying -- you -- oh! >> jimmy: all right, well, that's -- that's an unfortunate incident. and i'm guessing it's going to happen again. you may kiss the bride, by the way. thank you, usain. we'll be right back with mark wahlberg and seth macfarlane. hey, take it easy. wow! what's that? oh, it's the new at&t smartphone. nice, i wish i could afford one. yeah...i gotta...good deal. look at that screen! fast too, right? oh yeah.
♪ last week, fitd it streams movies. real web browsing. turn left now. look at this camera! hold on, let's get a photo. i'm listening to downloaded music. ♪ oh, i can afford that. see ya. [ male announcer ] the at&t impulse 4g. for $29.99, there's no excuse not to get your own. at&t. for $29.99, there's no excuse not to get your own. oooohhhh yeeaaahhh!! can we show you something? wouldn't it be great to feel like this all the time? (yeaaaahhh!!)
i guess so. well, with the chase freedom card, you get 5% cash back on up to $1500 worth of purchases. and new categories every 3 months. and 1% on everything else. so tt "man, this must be my lucky day feeling" can go on and ooooonnnnn! no, you look good, you look good. get your cash back. chase freedom. so, i get claritin clear... alright... let's move on team ! claritin works hard to relieve my worst symptoms. and only claritin is proven to keep you as alert and focused as someone without allergies. no other brand can say that not even allegra. watch your step ! i couldn't do this without you ! don't let allergies hold you back. live claritin clear with non-drowsy claritin. take toast... spread with i can't believe it's not butter...
add jacques. he's french. oui! mmmm...oui like! [ male announcer ] now four out of five butter lovers agree that i can't believe it's not butter tastes as good as fresh butter with 70% less saturated fat and 30% fewer calories than butter. now you can have it all. [ male announcer ] i can't believe it's not butter.
>> jimmy: i'm covered with cake. i'm covered with wedding cake and still wearing sneakers. but hey, i tell you what, it turns out i'm really fast. and i found out why his last name is bolt. he was like bolted to the ground out there. right, guillermo? >> yes. >> jimmy: thank you. welcome back. good to see everyone. tonight on the program, the mind and many fois voices behind "family guy," "american dad," and "the cleveland show." here to chat and sing a song from this new album called "music is better than words," seth macfarlane from the bud light stage. i like this album cover. it's very -- it reminds me of olden times. tomorrow night, we'll be joined by the creators of "south park" and "the book of mormon," matt and trey, matt stone and trey parker. jessica capshaw will be here and our musical guest is givers. so please join us tomorrow night, too. our first guest is an oscar nominated actor and golden globe-winning producer, but he still keeps it real. he can't help it. he produces two shows on hbo, "boardwalk empire" and "how to
make it in america" and stars in a thriller called "contraband" coming to theaters in january. please say hello to mark wahlberg. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? good to see you. >> how are you? >> jimmy: i'm good. and we have an exciting surprise for our next segment that we're excited about. probably your whole gang is excited about. >> i have never gotten this many phone calls about doing a show, period. but you kept your promise. >> jimmy: i did, well, of course. >> i told you about my friend nacho, who is appearing later today. you said, you should bring him on the show one day. >> jimmy: that magic is going to happen. >> you're the man. i said, hey, i get to come on and talk about "contraband" and other stuff, but i can bring nacho? and they said absolutely. >> jimmy: absolutely. >> and they literally said they're going to bump me to the other chair for it. >> jimmy: i heard you are opening a burger joint back home. >> we are.
it's a family business. it's called wahlburgers. it's funny because my brother paul, who i always said, if there's one really talented person in the family, it's him. he's been a chef for 20, 30 years. and we finally raised the money for him to open his own business, which is named after my mother, in massachusetts. open two years now, but he doesn't eat good food. all he eats is burgers. we're going to make healthy burgers and we have alternatives but his whole thing was, all i eat is burgers, my dream is to open a burger joint so we decided we're going to open up wahlburgers. first one opens october 24th. a big grand opening. we've been trying to convince him that we should do this kind of docu-drama about the opening about -- >> jimmy: reality show? >> when you say that, he thinks "jersey shore," which is not a good thing. i told him, he is so passionate about everything that he does, it's all about the customer, all about the quality of food. he loves the town that he lives in, he's such a proud, honest,
straight, hard working guy but that's what we want the show to be about. because this isn't a good morningic thgimmick. we want to throw it out there. this is a business that we want to build and that we believe in. >> jimmy: he doesn't want a snooki roaming around and throwing up on his hamburgers. >> and he's not too thrilled about having nacho around, eating 20 burgers in 30 seconds, but it really is about the business, building that brand and putting our family to work. >> jimmy: when your name is something-berg, you have to open a burger place. >> our name literally 25 years ago, it was a bad thing. you only heard it in all the courthouses. my mother was just named one of the 100 most influential people in boston. she's doing the boston version of "dancing with the stars" for charity. >> jimmy: really? >> and hopefully she'll be a big character and part of the docu-drama. >> jimmy: will there be other family member items on the menu? will there be a dirk diggler hot dog? >> it's mostly burgers.
healthy burgers -- >> jimmy: how about -- i have one idea and i would love for you to run with this. on sunday, you guys should have a funky brunch. [ laughter ] right? >> well -- that's a good one. we actually -- they do have a brunch so we could -- >> jimmy: make it funky. >> we could call it the funky brunch. and you know what, now that seth -- who i just worked with, one of the most talented and sweetest guys ever, he's doing an album after having all the success in television. >> jimmy: he's going to sing here tonight. >> i'm coming back with the funky bunch. i'll perform at the brunch. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that would be great. >> i'll come back and perform here. >> jimmy: i heard you introduced new kids on the block, your broerm's band, at fenway park. >> during -- seth and i were shooting, we went over to fenway and introduced them, it was a big deal. the first time they ever did a show before they were called new kids, i introduced them at a talent show at a school called
the lee school. and they were the only white group performing there. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> i was the only white guy in the audience. i came out and introduced them and i did a break dancing thing before -- >> jimmy: you did? >> and i did a thing, introduced them. >> jimmy: and did they go over well? >> listen, for, you know, the only white guy in there and thinking oh, my god, this kid can spin on his head. you don't have to be as good, just have the balls to come out there. >> jimmy: i found that spinning on your head transcends any culture. >> any barrier whatsoever. >> jimmy: you can go to thailand, germany, you spin on your head and people love it. >> you're in. >> jimmy: and so, okay, good, the family is doing well. everybody is very busy. >> kids are good. >> jimmy: this movie, where did you shoot this? >> we shot the movie in new orleans and panama. but movie is a remake of an icelandic film that we fell in love with, got the rights. hired the guy who was the star of the movie to direct our version of the movie and he did an amazing job. we shot it in new orleans and i hadn't been there for, i think last time i was there i was 20 years old. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> and i was performing with the funky bunch at mardi gras.
>> jimmy: oh. >> it was bananas. i remember going there and performing but i don't remember leaving or much after for the next two weeks. and it's funny because, i was there shooting, it was happening, mardi gras, and the bands -- i'm an early bird now, i got four kids, i'm not going out to mardi gras. no fun for me after 9:00, which i prefer anyway. but the bands -- all night long. i couldn't sleep for three days. >> jimmy: you turned into an old man. >> i am. and, you know what, i love it. thank god i made it. >> jimmy: we're going to premiere the trailer -- no one's seen this before. >> very first time. >> jimmy: and, well, i guess you don't need to set a trailer up. all we'll say is, it comes out on january 13th and it's called "contraband." take a look. >> you were the best of the best. the proudest day of my life is when you turned legit. >> where did you dump the package? >> i stopped doing runs, you promised me you were going to stay out of this. >> they're going to kill me. >> they're not going to kill
you. >> i give you two weeks. i'm asking your wife for it and your kids. >> i got to try to fix this. >> we run. >> currency? 15 million, just like the size of a mini cooper. >> no bueno? >> no, it's no bueno. >> say good-bye to your wife. >> i'm coming. i'm coming for you. we're going to war. >> pull the trigger! >> you think i'm the only one with a gun? ♪ >> jimmy: there you go. that looks great. very nice. >> it's a good one. it's a really good balance of action but it's a very smart story. it's funny. you have to go to places like
i iceland and, you know, europe to find these interesting stories and, you know, cool and different ways to tell them and this movie is going to surprise -- >> jimmy: speaking of interesting stories, tell us about nacho. >> nacho, first time i met nacho, we were 13. he's got a high pitched voice, so -- standing on the corner with me and my punk friends. and this guy, we don't recognize him. we're like, who the [ bleep ] are you, excuse my language? he's like, what do you mean? i'm from up the street. he starts telling me he's a kick boxer. all this stuff. i say, okay, i run up and i kick him in the back and we all beat the [ bleep ] out of him. and he -- he was much bigger than us then but then, you know what? he just kept coming back. so we love him. >> jimmy: a beautiful friendship was born. >> and then, of course, you know, he just worked on the last movie. he's got some anger issues so we had to give him a little break on the last movie. he tried to kill one of our friends. he ripped a door handle off the car while we were on the highway. >> jimmy: ow. i cannot wait to meet him.
>> he is a very supportive guy. me and him were playing golf. i had this shot. how am i going to hit this? it's 230 yards, i got to bend it around the tree and i have to go over water. he looks at me with the straightest face, he goes, you're mark wahlberg, can you do whatever the [ bleep ] you want. so, i said -- [ laughter ] i said, you know what? you're right. give me the [ bleep ] 5 wood. and i hit the shot and i hit it four feet from the flag. i missed the putt, but -- >> jimmy: wow. >> he's a great guy and i discovered this talent that he has of extreme eating and -- like i told you the last time, you'll get to see. >> jimmy: all right. when we come back, nacho will be here. mark wahlberg, the movie "contraband" opens january 13th. we'll be right back. [ coughing ] [ male announcer ] got a cold? [ sniffling ] [ male announcer ] not sure what to take? now click on the robitussin® relief finder at robitussin.com. click on your symptoms. get the right relief. ♪
makes the cold aisle easy. robitussin® has a new look, new simpler names, but the same effective relief. robitussin®. relief made simple. before i started taking abilify, i was taking an antidepressant alone. most days i could put on a brave face and muddle through. but other days i still struggled with my depression. i was managing, but it always had a way of creeping up on me. i felt stuck. i just couldn't shake my depression. so i talked to my doctor. he said adding abilify to my antidepressant could help with my depression, and that some people had symptom improvement as early as 1 to 2 weeks. he also told me about a free trial offer from abilify! now i feel more in control of my depression.
[ male announcer ] abilify is not for everyone. call your doctor if your depression worsens or if you have unusual changes in behavior, or thoughts of suicide. antidepressants can increase these in children, teens and young adults. elderly dementia patients taking abilify have an increased risk of death or stroke. call your doctor if you have high fever, stiff muscles and confusion to address a possible life-threatening condition. or if you have uncontrollable muscle movements, as these could become permanent. high blood sugar has been reported with abilify and medicines like it. in some cases, extreme high blood sugar can lead to coma or death. other risks include decreases in white blood cells, which can be serious, dizziness upon standing, seizures, trouble swallowing, and impaired judgment or motor skills. depression used to define me, then my doctor added abilify to my antidepressant. now, i feel better. [ male announcer ] if you're still struggling with depression talk to your doctor to see if the option of adding abilify is right for you. and be sure to ask about the free trial offer. dinner was great. i'm back at tim's place,
but tim's cottonelle roll... is naked. [ knock on door ] heeeey. hey, sorry, i forgot th. [ female announcer ] respect the roll that respects you. new cottonelle clean care toilet paper. never mind. new cottonelle clean care toilet paper. welcome. kristin. kasey. come on in. kasey, kasey! kasey, what about the new edge drew you to it? the look of it. i love the sleek design. i like the rounded edges. what does the technology in your edge make you think of ford? it just makes me think that ford is in it to win it. ford is trying to get to the next level. you really have to make yourself stand out, and i think ford has done that. looking over there, how does your car look? is this my car? (laugh) (laugh)
i'm a curious seeker. i am a chemistry aficionado. diphenhydramine. magnesium hydroxide. atheletes foot. yes. i'm a people pleaser. if elected, i promise flu shots for all. i am a walking medical dictionary. congratulations virginia. inflamed uvula. i'm virginia. i'm a target pharmacist and i'm here to answer your quontions.
>> jimmy: all right, this is funny already. we're back with mark wahlberg and his buddy nacho. seth macfarlane will be here in a minute. nacho, thank you for coming. we heard a lot of stories about you. i asked if mark would bring you here and he did bring you here. you got the towel, you're like a well conditioned athlete ready to go. >> yeah. oiled up and ready to go.
>> jimmy: show everyone your tattoo real quick. he actually got -- a nacho chip on your -- >> we brought a bag of doritos. and we pulled it out and we said, this is what we want right now. >> jimmy: and the artist did a beautiful job. happy with it? >> took him 20 minutes to do it. new york. >> jimmy: you can get anything done very quickly. they say the best tattoos are the ones they do really, really fast. >> yeah. it got infected and everything. >> jimmy: are you excited about the burger joint? >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: will you be eating there a lot? >> of course. >> jimmy: will you expect to get the burgers for free when you go? >> maybe. >> jimmy: you guys spend a lot of time together, i know. and it sounds to me like mark is very persuasive when it comes to getting you to do things. >> oh, yeah. cash is king. >> jimmy: i saw -- cash is king, right. so, in other words, the guys will gather around and give you money to do this stuff. >> oh, yeah. >> it started off with sticks of
butter for $5. and he would just, like, 15, 20 sticks of butter. then the lobster, he ate the shell. >> jimmy: what? you ate the shell? >> yeah. >> jimmy: how do you eat the shell? >> just gauing ignawing on it. >> jimmy: really? >> the part is -- >> jimmy: and did it take a long time to eat the shell? >> no, took me about 15, maybe 20 minutes? >> 15, 20, no big. >> jimmy: like a -- wow, all right. what we have here is, first of all -- >> are those limes? >> jimmy: these are balls of wasabi. and i will vouch that these are real hot balls of wasabi. >> when we were on the seth macfarlane movie, he ate ones much bigger than that. probably golf ball and a half size each. and then he drank all the tabasco. and they thought it was fake. make sure you get your own. >> jimmy: we got this and i saw
you on youtube drink two big cups of tabasco sauce. we're going to break that and do three tonight. [ applause ] you start with the wasabi right there. >> little appetizer. >> jimmy: i got a big jug of tabasco sauce. and tell me when i should go. how high? >> right to the rim. >> jimmy: right to the rim? >> stop, yeah. you want to do the wasabi first? set it up? >> jimmy: you need to eat 10,000 chickens to balance this out. >> just looks like a bloody mary. throw a couple of limes in there. >> jimmy: just imagine it's a bloody mary without any of the -- >> that's just for the appetizer. keep that bottle handy. he's going to go to the chug after. >> jimmy: you want to start with those? again, if you don't want to do this, you don't have to, i mean -- who am i to tell you what to do? >> cash is king, nacho libre.
aka the tabasco kid. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what? >> rain coats just in case? >> jimmy: try to project to the audience if anything comes out. >> wasabi. >> jimmy: that might be the worst part. i feel like we are -- but go ahead. >> i just want to say, ma, i'm sorry. i might not be coming back home. i'm sorry. >> my mother always says, why do you make him do this? >> jimmy: you still live with your mother? >> she just had surgery done. they replaced her kneecap -- >> jimmy: let's not bring everyone down -- >> she bounced back. >> jimmy: all right, here we go. >> like david copperfield says, watch it disappear. >> jimmy: wow. okay. wow. that can't be good. oh, no. oh, no.
and the second one seems so unnecessary and yet -- it's in there? all right. enjoy. would you like another serving of wasabi? all right. and here we go. [ applause ] you know, you're -- you're holding your crucifix as if jesus has anything to do with this. [ laughter ] >> go to the tabasco. >> jimmy: i'll just take that plate out of your way. and here we go. all right. >> round two, baby. come on. >> jimmy: here we go. first --
[ applause ] one down! and here goes number two. [ applause ] >> you got this. [ applause ] >> that's two down. for the record. >> jimmy: now for the record. >> come on, baby. >> jimmy: can i get you some celery sticks? how you feel right now, nacho? >> on fire. [ applause ] >> come on, baby. come on!
>> jimmy: we have a new champion! nacho, everybody! "contraband" opens january 13th. mark wahlberg and nacho, everybody. we'll be right back with seth macfarlane. why do we have aflac... aflac... and major medical? major medical, boyyyy! [ beatboxing ] ♪ i help pay the doctor ♪ ain't that enough for you? ♪ there are things major medical doesn't do. aflac! pays cash so we don't have to fret. [ together ] ♪ something families should get ♪ ♪ like a safety net ♪ even helps pay deductibles, so cover your back, get... ♪
a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aflac! [ male announcer ] help protect your family at aflac.com. [ beatboxing ] [ male announcer ] little owen wanted to play, but his nose was raw and sore. achoo! [ male announcer ] and common tissue made it burn even more. ♪ puffs plus lotion is more soothing than common tissue, and it delivers our most soothing lotion for every nose issue.
here's one story. [ regis ] we love to play tennis. as a matter of fact it was joy who taught me how to play tennis. and with it comes some aches and pains and one way to relieve them all is to go right to the advil®. i have become increasingly amazed at regis's endurance. it's scary sometimes what he accomplishes in a day. well i'd rather not have time for pain but unfortunately it does comes your way every now and then. and that's when i take my advil®. [ male announcer ] take action. take advil®. lililililililililililililililil. and that's when i take my advil®. now for just $6.95 enjoy a half pressed panini with unlimited salad or a half pressed panini
with unlimited soup. choose from three great varieties like grilled chicken caprese. it's our new half panini lunch. just $6.95. only at olive garden. so the show went late in tulsa and i woke up in the van in omaha. that's life in a band. got online and got us to the next gig. sound check, equipment check, tweaked the t-shirt designs. nice. showtime. small place, massive crowd. they seemed into it except for the guy throwing stuff. moron. laptop fell but didn't crash. good thing. we killed it. picked up a few new fans. show ended but the night didn't. we drove a few hours before camping out then watched the first cut of our first video. not a bad day. lenovo. for those who do. gives you a 50 percent annual bonus. so you earn 50 percent more cash. if you're not satisfied with 50% more cash, send it back! i'll be right here, waiting for it. who wouldn't want more cash? [ insects chirping ] i'll take it. i'll make it rain up in here. [ male announcer ] the new capital one cash rewards card. the card for people who want 50% more cash.
what's in your wallet? sorry i'll clean this up. shouldn't have made it rain. and fresher than ever. so grab your 2 for $20 club and come in for our new chicken fettuccine carbonara that's one appetizer, two entrees, just 20 bucks. it's the freshest 2 for $20 yet. only at applebee's. now serving half-price appetizers late night.
and you'll get a bonus. you get 10% off your groceries. [ male announcer ] save 10% on your groceries when you get a f flu shot. that should make you feel better already. safeway. ingredients for life. >> jimmy: hi there, we're back. i have a feeling nacho's going to visit heidi the cross-eyed possum very soon. our next guest is the only guy at fox who works more than ryan seacrest. he is the creator of the shows "family guy," "american dad" and "the cleveland show." and he sings, too. his new album of american standards -- no joke -- is called "music is better than words." please welcome seth macfarlane.
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so, apparently -- >> that is just [ bleep ] unbelievable. i saw him do that in boston and i can't see it enough times. >> jimmy: i heard you were throwing $100 bills at him. >> dirty, dirty. >> jimmy: well, congratulations on -- well, the movie, that's a big deal to be in a movie with mark wahlberg. >> it was probably the best working experience. i'm going to return his very, very kind words. i can't imagine a greater guy to work with than mark wahlberg. he can do drama, he can do comedy. there's literally -- >> jimmy: he murders his friends. >> exactly. just the most humble nice guy and knocked it out of the park. i could do 100 movies with him. >> jimmy: you shot the movie near where you grew up, right? >> yeah.
well, i grew up in connecticut, but i have family in boston. >> jimmy: did you have your crazy friends and family members gathering on set? >> yeah, my family came out, my father, my aunt and uncle, my father and his new chinese girlfriend came out. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: one of a series of chinese girlfriends? >> yeah, he works his way. he's been dating this lovely woman, she young, he old, is what we say. >> jimmy: her name is she-yung? really? >> yeah. she's 10, 15 years younger. and seems to be going well. and my father is over in china right now. >> jimmy: oh, she's really from china? >> yeah, yes. meeting the family. >> jimmy: wow. charlie sheen said, we were at the roast, he said, make sure he's careful over there because they will literally put pee pee in your coke. >> jimmy: he said that, did he? >> no, just [ bleep ] that up. >> jimmy: wow.
so -- okay, so, dad's over in china. and this -- >> this is very awkward. there's no way -- >> jimmy: would you like a shot of tabasco in there? that can really help you sing later. >> this is almost as bad. >> jimmy: i want to ask you about the album. i've always said, and this is kind of a maxim, for comedians, the best thing you can do is make a serious music album. it always pains off. it always pays off. >> i know. i have horrifying visions of bruce willis in my head. >> jimmy: it is, on paper, a terrible idea. >> a terrible idea. >> jimmy: a terrible idea. >> in my defense, and by the way, if it does terribly, i'm the first guy to start mocking the crap out of it. >> jimmy: yeah, but -- no, you won't be allowed to. others are going to have to do it. >> i'll just have to sit there and take it. the only thing that makes it not a complete disaster of an idea, i think, from the inception, is that "family guy," a lot of the style of music is what we've been doing on the show for ten years. >> jimmy: i've seen you sing
songs. >> i've done songs as brian on the show that are exactly this type. so it's not like i'm doing a rap album. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> which would not be a good idea at all. >> jimmy: you do have a very good voice. and i think people are probably -- >> so kind, thank you. >> jimmy: but deep inside you, even though you are a funny man. >> where is this going? >> jimmy: i believe you want to be -- [ laughter ] i believe you want to be taken seriously as a musician. >> you know, the beauty of this kind of music, and the beauty is, it doesn't really matter. there was a lightness, sinatra and dean martin, crosby and those guys, it was almost thik they didn't give a [ bleep ]. they were singing their hearts out -- >> jimmy: they had fun. they were drunk. >> exactly. they were drunk and god knows what else. so, it's kind of inherent in the music that even at its most vulnerable, it weirdly never takes itself quite that seriously. >> jimmy: you went all out with the album, too, right? had the big orchestra. >> yeah, 55-piece orchestra. >> jimmy: you recorded it at capital records. >> with sinatra's microphone.
>> jimmy: wow. >> still smells of starlet perfume and -- >> jimmy: jack daniels. >> yeah. >> jimmy: really? you got to use the microphone? >> yeah, they kept it in mint condition. >> jimmy: i would think so, yeah. you're not taking that around to karaoke. >> no, you can't do that. >> jimmy: was that intimidating, singing into that microphone? >> you know, if i had been completely sober, it would have been really -- >> jimmy: very intimidating. but we figured, let's do it the way they did it 50 years ago. >> jimmy: i love the album cover. this is a great idea. >> everything we did during this process was the way they -- we recorded to analog tape. we recorded -- >> jimmy: really?